Do you ever think about getting a tattoo? It’s just never been something that appeals to me. I don’t even like to have blood drawn, much less let someone stick me with ink-filled needles for decorative purposes. Plus, tattoos look so ugly and blobby after a few years.
But I think I understand the reason some people get them (beyond decoration or shock value) a bit better after seeing Girl with the Dragon Tattoo last week. You doubtless know by now, whether or not you’ve seen the film or read the book, that at one point our heroine, Lisbeth Salander is savagely violated by her “guardian” (so much so that I chose this point to leave the movie during the scene)… and then almost as savagely gets her revenge.
What struck me, however, was a small scene in between the violence. Lisbeth is at a tattoo shop, getting some work done. The tattoo artist tells her that what he’s going to do will hurt. She brushes off his comment and he proceeds.
I don’t remember the scene occurring in the book, but it really spoke to me. Was it a masochistic thing? Or did she need the pain on the outside to take her mind off the pain on the inside? Was it cleansing or purifying in some way? Or an outward sign aimed at pushing away people so she couldn’t be hurt again?
It made me think of some of the “tattoos” I’ve used at times: food, to reduce the likelihood of romantic relationships; a sharp tongue, to keep away people who might see below my self-confident veneer or who might try to get to know the “real” me. Some of the root cause was insecurity; some of it, my childhood, both what I lived and what I saw.
But at some point in the past few years, I got tired of it hurting. Those defenses aren’t as important to me these days. I’ve got the healthiest relationship with food that I have had in my fifty-five years on this planet, and I’m getting better at holding my tongue (though I’ve still got plenty of work to do there). Those are the kind of “tattoos” that lose power as they age and fade–and as far as I’m concerned, the blobbier, the better.
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I saw the film on Monday night. I left the theater with the nagging question: “Why am I drawn to this film/book?” The book itself was not one I would have chosen to read, it was part of my book clubs October 2010 read. Yet, once I finished it, I “needed” to read the next two, and then watch all 3 Swedish films. What was it that kept drawing me back in? I found the violence triggering, yet I kept reading. I guess I kept waiting and wanting someone to rescue her from this horror and let her know there where good people out there.
After I read your blog entry last night, I found myself reflecting on the questions and comments you put out there and the insight you shared into your own life lessons. Thank you. It took courage to share parts of yourself, and in doing so; it inspires people to do the same. Your insights spoke to me.
At some point today as I continued to ponder “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”, it came to me, Lisbeth Salander is not a victim. At least on a conscience level she does not see herself as a victim. She didn’t wait for some one to rescue her, she found the strength and courage within, and took care of herself in the best way she knew how. “…… an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.” Matthew 5:38 As for her tattooing, ( OUCH!) I saw her tattoo’s and her new additional tattoo, more of an outward sign aimed at pushing away people so she would not become emotionally, physically hurt or disappointed. Again, she probably doesn’t’ even realize she is doing this.
I find myself admiring Lisbeth Salander on many levels. First, her computer talent makes me jealous, since it has taken me the past 5 hours to type, spell check, and retype and figure how to post this comment. Lisbeth would have posted this in less then 5 minutes plus hacked into and depleted my ING savings account. Second, I found the retaliation against her perpetrators, however violet they may have been, satisfying. It is true that many who have been victimized would not actually follow through on the violence, but I suspect many have thought about inflicting pain, humiliation and shame upon those that violated them. I for one have, and I think I would have saved thousands of dollars in therapy had I actually followed through.
I had to admit to myself tonight that I view myself as a victim of my past (more then I care to admit), and although I’ve used food and excess weight to push people, relationships and success away in the past, I still on some unconscious level continue to do so, even though my I’ve begun to change my physical appearance. I’ve waited for someone to rescue me, anyone, to make the world a safer place for me. It saddens me on one level, but feels freeing on another, to come to the realization, that there is no Knight in shining armor out there ready to slay my demons. Taking care of myself depends solely on “ME”. I like Lisbeth; I do not have to see myself as a victim. Wow, there’s something to ponder as I say goodbye to 2011. 2011 saw my realization that at 49 years old I was killing myself with my weight. Medical complications began to take hold of my body. I had to step in and do something or I was going to die. I had surgery in September – Gastric Sleeve, something I don’t share easily with people. Since June, I’ve lost 150lbs. Shades of my personality are peeking though the surface. As I continue to work on my food issues, and esteem issues, maybe 2012 it the time to allow of my tattoos to begin to fade and get blobby.
Dear Barbara, bless you! Thank you for stepping out so bravely in faith and sharing. Beautiful! Hope 2012 is an awesome year for you, and looking forward to the Friends of Merry reunion.