I brought Mr. Wonderful back to my room on Thursday night. Then I discarded him on Saturday morning.
I got Mr. Wonderful at the annual St. Davids Christian Writers’ Conference auction that benefits the conference scholarship fund. He’s a real doll, and says all kinds of things people think women want to hear from men, such as “Why don’t we go to the mall, didn’t you want some new shoes?” and “The ball game really isn’t that important, I’d rather spend time with you.”
The problem is that most of the phrases Mr. Wonderful could say aren’t what I want to hear from a man. I have a closet full of shoes and am more than content to shop for them by myself or with friends, for example. And if a man wants to watch a ball game, hey, I’m there. Or, watch it by yourself or with some buddies. I don’t want to be the sole interest or support system of a life partner.
As someone who was married for twenty-two years and who has gone out with a variety of men in the five-plus years I’ve been divorced, here’s what I want to hear (that I’m willing to share in a public forum):
- “Sometimes, I find it really difficult to figure out what God wants me to do in a situation.”
- “Let me tell you about why I’m obsessed with (genealogy/a specific author/a specific movie star/a specific singer or band/a sports team/any interest or hobby).”
- “I can’t believe you think Keith is the heart of the Rolling Stones. Mick all the way! Let’s fight.”
- “Tell me about (day job/writing/editing/my other passion of the moment) and why you light up when you talk about it.”
- “The last time I cried/was scared/was vulnerable in some way was…”
But Mr. Wonderful couldn’t say any of those things, so, like some of the men I’ve gone out with, he ended up in the discard pile. I don’t want a man to tell me what he thinks I want to hear. I want a man self-confident enough to be himself.
The thing is … very few men can say the things you suggest, especially the last one. It’s because men are not perfect. But then, neither are women.
I suppose that’s what makes people interesting; and it teaches us tolerance for each other.
God bless.
Thanks, Victor. Also shows us why we need to accept rather than expect!
Love this post, Melanie. Great title and perfect graphic. It’s refreshing to read intelligent discussion on such sensitive subjects – love, life partners, divorce, relationships. And I can identify with that place where a woman waits in between loss and gain. The uncertainty, the yearning, the disappointment and the seeking all melt together to create a defining life stage. The stage of waiting.
I went through it for seven years after becoming a widow. Somewhere … about 5 years into the loss, I finally asked God for a husband. I said I wanted these qualities:
he must be honest
he must have integrity
he must be spiritual
he must be dependable, loyal and hard-working
he must love me totally
he must love my children
he must be able to say I love you
would hold our relationship as a priority above all other earthly relationships or things
I told God I’d leave the rest in his hands, and accept what he sent me regardless of appearance, financial status, age, race, etc.
I asked St. Joseph to pray with me for that intention, and kept Joseph in constant conversation.
I met Dan and never considered he might be my Mr. Wonderful. <– sent by God, an answer to my prayer. Dan didn't fit my image… I didn't even know I had an image.
Shortly after I'd met Dan, I was driving home, overwhelmed, lonely, frustrated, worried. I said to St. Joseph, "What's the deal? Where's my husband, my life partner?" And I also remember a clear response penetrating my feeble mind. "He's under your nose. You're not seeing what's there."
Shortly after that, I gave a second thought to the garden center guy. I turned out he was (and is) Mr. Wonderful. He is ALL the things I requested. But he is none of the things I expected. The things I didn't expect – the things I left to God – are the most exciting, remarkable, entertaining, unusual qualities that makes every day an adventure and gives life to our relationship.
I sense that God has someone very special for you, someone who will make you happier than you ever hoped you could be. But don't be surprised if he's not what you had in mind. 🙂 Just sayin'
Thanks, Mindie! Great point on the distinction between what we ask for and what we expect. God told me during the Easter Vigil in 2009 as a relationship was ending to wait and he would give me David–someone to dance in the rain with. And so I will wait.