Today used to be my wedding anniversary.
My marriage officially ended in late October 2006 after 22 years, and unofficially ended about three years earlier. I’m on good terms with my ex these days. We live several hundred miles apart, but he checks in every once in a while via e-mail. And while I have some very happy memories of those decades together, this entry isn’t about regrets or coulda-shoulda-woulda or living in the past. To be honest, I wouldn’t have remembered our anniversary today if it hadn’t come up as an alert in a seldom-used e-mail account I was cleaning out.
No, I’m writing today about knowing when it’s time to let go. A friend recently pointed out several occasions in the past couple of years in which I backed away from conflict and withdrew from dealing with strong personalities. Her point was that situations like that keep coming back into your life until you learn how to handle them.
I agree with her–to a point. I can be too conflict-averse for my own good. But I also believe there are times it makes sense to back away from the van. This position was supported, believe it or not, in a project management course I took last week. The guidance was that if it’s a situation where you’re willing to abandon your stake, where your interest is no longer important to you, withdrawal/avoidance is an appropriate option.
The decisions to pull out of my marriage and to step away from the situations my friend detailed weren’t made lightly or in anger. They were made after efforts to open up dialogue, after much self-examination and self-blame (too much of that, most likely). But sticking with something just for the sake of sticking with it doesn’t make sense either. We don’t do ourselves or the other people involved any favors when we do that. Sometimes, the best way to stand up for yourself is to move away.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Excellent post! I know exactly what you mean. We have a lot in common. My decisions to pull out of marriage and from some other things over the years were carefully considered. I find myself doing a bit more of this in my post-cardiac event life. I’ve pulled out of situations were there was too much negativity. Now I try to spend more time and energy with the positive. Life is better this way.
Great advice, Mel!
Mel…your comments are exactly what I needed to hear. There are situations that keep coming up and though I am able to handle them, a recent contact renewed old wounds and hurts. This was particularly difficult because the hurt extended to my daughter and grandchildren. What a wake-up call! Then, after much soul searching, reflection and prayer, I happen to read your post. What a blessing! Thank you – your blog provided that bit of wisdom that has eluded me for much too long! I am such a slow learner. Bless you.