I’ve been struggling for several months with a strong desire (and an opportunity) to revisit the past. The desire involves someone I loved very much, and I’m quite sure that were I to see him again–it’s been nearly four years since that happened–I would love him very much again. But the situation isn’t right, and it’s highly unlikely it will ever become right.
When I spoke about my struggle with my pastor, he recommended Father James Martin’s The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything: A Spirituality for Real Life. I liked it (though not quite as much as his My Life With the Saints). Near the end, I found what I needed.
Martin recalls a scene from the movie The Matrix, when the protagonist is ready to abandon a new direction and just go home. Another character, aptly 
named Trinity, says to him: “You’ve been down there, Neo. You already know that road. You know exactly where it ends. And I know that’s not where you want to be.”
I know where that road I was on leads: to an amazing mental, physical, and emotional connection. To time with a soulmate–on his terms. To holidays alone. To birthdays alone. And no matter how wonderful that reconnection would be, the other parts of that road are too painful. It’s not where I want to be. It’s just taken me a while to figure that out.
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Nice post, Melanie. Good lesson there. I wonder why you have such a strong desire to revisit the past. What are you supposed to learn about that?
Thanks, Mindie. I suspect what I’m supposed to remember is that I’m lovable despite all my perceived shortcomings. I never doubted that in this relationship. Hard for me to believe in general, though!
Wow. If I know what this is, I remember our conversation at the monastery. What an insightful piece. Takes a lot of courage to turn away from what has been meaningful and trust that something better lies ahead.
You do. It is. Thanks to you for listening so much over the years and not judging, confident I’d get to this place.
You’ve listened to me as much, if not more. The fruit of any hard fought (at times!)
hard won, and very valuable relationship.