Lent 2013, Day 1: Ashes, Ashes…

The first time I went to church on Ash Wednesday was 2006, when a group of us from work walked to a DC parish that pretty much shovels people in and shovels them out on “Ash and Dash” day.

I don’t have a strong memory of that first time a priest crossed my forehead with ashes. What I do remember is the Little Sisters of the Poor nun who got up to make a little fundraising speech. “We beg for the poor and the elderly so that they do not have to beg for themselves,” the young nun said with a cheery smile, her words tinged with a French accent.

I got this idyllic picture in my mind of a bunch of women, wandering the streets day and night around the globe, seeking alms for others until they were so infirm themselves that others went begging for them.

But last summer, my pretty little picture turned to ashes. While I was writing a book about female saints and blesseds, I learned that Jeanne Jugan, the Little Sisters of the Poor founder, was replaced as superior when she was in her early fifties, against the sisters’ vote. The priest who oversaw the congregation then installed a superior less than half Jeanne’s age. Nine years later, Jeanne was ordered back to the motherhouse, where she spent the rest of her life, nearly thirty years, away from the street work she loved.

When I first read the story, I was angry. Why didn’t Jeanne leave the order and start her own street ministry? Why didn’t she appeal to a higher authority? Why did she just give in?

Jeanne’s lesson of acceptance–and submission to authority–is something I’ll be contemplating this Lent. I’ve realized that too much of what I have told myself is ministry for others has instead become a way for me to fill holes in my own self-esteem. And it’s not what ministry is about. Ministry’s about serving God in the ways He desires… not trying to fix ourselves… and about accepting the places in our lives where we’re to do that service.

In Mark’s Gospel, John the Baptist says, “For Him to increase, I must decrease.” That will be one of my contemplation points for Lent. I’ll be slowing down and letting some of the fiery busyness in my life and in my soul cool down to ashes… and seeing where God takes me.