Returning Catholics FAQs: The Mechanics of Confession

On Mondays, I answer questions frequently asked by those considering a return to the Catholic Church. How do I know this stuff? I was away for more than 30 years myself, and am the co-author of  When They Come Home: Ways to Welcome Returning Catholics, a book for pastors and parish leaders interested in this ministry.

What do I need to do at confession?

Before you arrive, examine your conscience. Start with the Ten Commandments, in particular the two greatest commandments. Where have you failed to love God with all your heart and soul? Where have you failed to love your neighbor—and yourself? The Confiteor is another good place for contemplation: How have you sinned, through your own fault, in your thoughts and in your deeds, in what you have done and in what you have failed to do? In addition, you can find any number of excellent guides online and in print.

There is no need to write down a precise number or share in excruciating detail how often you yelled at your kids or cut off someone in traffic or used the Lord’s name in vain. Think instead about the patterns of your behavior. Are you sarcastic and biting in general, not just that one time last Thursday? Was your inability to focus on last Sunday’s homily because you were struggling with a backache, or are you feeling generally disengaged from God? It’s the behavior you know is displeasing to God and yet you continue to exhibit that requires His assistance through this sacrament.

Next, contemplate on your sorrow over the sins, and consider what you will do in the future, how your behavior will change as a result of your appreciation for God’s mercy and this acknowledgment of your wrongdoing.

When you approach the priest, whether you’re face to face or in the confessional, be seated or kneel and make the sign of the cross. Typically, you will then say something along the lines of, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. It has been (however long) since my last confession. These are my sins.” Share what you learned during your examination of conscience, focusing on mortal sins or on venial sins with which you are having a recurring, serious struggle. At the end, say, “For these sins and all my sins, I am sorry.” The priest then will ask questions or make some observations about what you have said, state your penance and grant you absolution. You may or may not be asked to say the Act of Contrition. Typically, you then will say “Thank you, Father,” and complete your penance as soon as you can.

If you’re not sure you can remember all these words, simply tell the priest that and start talking about the sins that are weighing on you. This is what a friend did when she went to confession for the first time in decades. At one point, she says, she stopped and asked, “Was I supposed to say, ‘Bless me, Father’ or something like that?” The priest said, “Well, yes, generally people do, but what the hell, please keep going.”

Again, priests have heard it all before. Nothing you say about not knowing the form or how long it’s been since you’ve been to confession will shock them. When another friend, safely in a confessional box, said it had been twenty years since her last confession, the priest said, “The angels in heaven are rejoicing at your return.” You’ll be surprised, happy, and relieved to learn how many priests share this man’s view.